Dear world,

I am now split into three unreconcilable parts. No matter how I think about it, I cannot figure out how to make myself whole again. In an excercise of mental health, writing, social effort and downright bordem, I will now post thrice, once each on the basis of each person that together, somehow, makes me the whole. Posts are offered in absolutely no particular order.

- ONE -

It's been rough lately, I have more time, but it really does feel like less. With no job to drag be down, I don't need anyone or anything to lift me up. So I just hover around, and snuggle those who mean everything to me. I don't write, but it's only been a week. Today I have summoned the courage to sit down, write, and express myself freely without concern. I haven't managed much, but a start is a start. I've done my best to returning to my habits of randomly storytelling. It used to get me so far, as shakey as it was. But the ideas and motives and fears and loves and characters do come bubbling back up. And I'm not quite so poor anymore, either! But with no income, I really need to watch every single digit. As usual, my hardest step of the day is reaching out, but once I'm amoungst the people I love, everything just flows. I love you all, without question. Please please, tell me if I step on toes or neglect. I can be so blind.

- TWO -

Well fie. What a spot to be in. No work, no work to get either. But why do I want to work? So I can slave away at some office job, be forgotten and used and bruised all over again? No, the only reason I would get myself employed now is for money. That is it. Not for prestigue or power or social acceptance. No way, to hellfire with all of that, I just need a bit of ard to get by in this horribly backward world. I just need food and shelter, is this so much to ask? Oh, and cuddles, too. Maybe I'm more suited to being somewhat of a 'housewife'. Y'know, you have this partner, and your whole life is serving and pleasing them. You cuddle them in the morning, you make them coffee, you send them off to work, you clean their toilet, wash their clothes, shop for their food and dailies, take their calls, befriend their friends, take interest their problems and support them. I mean, if I am going to slave for a living, can't I choose who I will slave under? Why does it have to be a corporation or a government. Maybe I'd rather have a face on my owner. Maybe I might want to even respect them, love them. Is that such a dark idea? If I slog to work each day, doing what I don't want to do, doing meaningless, repeatative, downright demeaning tasks, in exchange for the basics in life, why can't I pick someone out of the teaming sapien masses, and say, "Oi you lot, I'm just going to live off this one. And in return I'll give em every ounce of myself; future, mentality, force, time, all of that. Alright?" Is that such a horrible idea?

- THREE -

I can't beleive it's finally come to this. I actually quit. I talked with Aelan, and he agreed, and he allowed it. So I called into work, and told them I wouldn't slave to them anymore. And to make matters worse, the entire jubilation and firey disconnection was utterly overshadowed by the fact that they fired everyone, everyone! The very next day, too. So now hardly anyone knows. I've been deflated. Even this one final victory was taken from me. There is no justice. Instead of celebration I feel numb. Maybe, just maybe I'd feel numb anyway. Five years of torment, suddenly done in a flick of a switch. It makes sense to feel guilty, or just fearful. What will I do now? For five years I had a face and a name and a direction, and a connection to the financial word. Now, gone. No money, no workplace. A dog without a master. But.. I don't want one. I'm so damnably tired of money. I'm sick of earning it. Sick of spending it. I had a nightmare, even. Woke up shaking. In this horrible dream, my mum called, and told me I was a millionaire, some family inheritence of about 10 mil. I fought with her, terrified. I wanted it, to survive, oh to survive, the security! But then all the weight of the currency immediately crashed around me. I didn't want it. It was debt, and sorrow, and fear and fighting and anger, ten million tears. So I told her to die, and hung up on her. And then I woke, feeling like a murderer. Like I'd destroyed something beautiful. Only it wasn't, it was ugly and dangerous and fearful. It got me thinking, too, of my family, these people who I am connected to in such strange and distant ways. My sister confided in me, that she talks as if I don't exist. When poeple ask her about her family, she says she has one brother, not two. She says I am absent, and therefor nonexistant. Out of sight, out of mind, out of heart. My mum doesn't even talk about me, just feels nothing. My brother, much the same. Only my dad pays me lip service, and I haven't heard from him, so I guess it's all just talk on his part. I have no family left now. Just a large set of inlaws, that are no longer anything-in-law, now that she left. People who don't know me, just the face I put on to please her. I'd love to explain to them, everything, tell them who I really am. Talk with them openly, like you are supposed to with family. But I cannot. So I feel very distant. All I have left is a network of friends. I must do everything, simply everything in my power, to hold onto them. Because I know you can lose friends, but only through your own mistakes. I can't afford that now.


- AL
- IA
- WM

( Too Big For Your Friends Page )

I don't know why all of a sudden I feel like posting this. A while ago I decided that LJ and Facebook are things that I cannot connect to anymore. If I want to declare something openly, I don't feel enough people I know and care about read this, so it's like shouting into the dark. And if something intensly personal happens, the last thing I want to do is openly post it.

I guess I just need to collect my thoughts. The best way to collect thoughs is to solidify them first. So you can grab them, toss them around. And so I post.

Ever and I have strained to a point of no return. The more I think it over [and oh Light have I ever over-thought all of this], the more I realise that the events of the last few weeks were a long time coming. I have been lying to myself so strongly, and so consistantly, that I managed to convince everyone around me that the falseness was true. And I convinced myself best of all. Which is rather shameful.

Luckily, I have grown enough to be able to earn friends. Real, deep dark and dirty, gritty friends. The kind of friend who would happily shoot you in the leg to save your life, a-la the movie 'Speed'. These friends, collectively, have stood their ground against the lies. And with support like that, eventually, the truth wins out. And so it has.

There is so much for me to do, so many different lists, all thrown onto one great big petrifyingly tall one [it loooms!]. But in my defence, I have already started on my way. I have plans to return to Sydney. I have also begun my Canadian citizenship application. If that sounds contridictory, well yes, but I'm simply trying to think on my feet. I refuse to leave this place without something under my belt. I don't want any regret, any rash decision. I have a route plan to Sydney, I have a home here in Canada. I'll secure both and eventually decide.

I've made personal decisions. Decisions that I actually made some time ago, but betrayed on myself. Soon enough I'll be getting a vasectomy. I can't afford to scare myself like I did, not considering the incredibly wrong feelings that accompanied it.

I'm moving into a smaller place, cutting down my costs as much as possible. No matter what I choose next, I'll need money, and I have none. It seems best I remain on my own though, I've too often been burned by roommates and such, and I know how to live on pennies.

I know I'm digging up a ton of trouble. The inlaws are going to sway between hate and distaste and confusion. Every friend I have downunder will rejoice, every friend I have in the cold north will frown and be sad. Please understand, I am feeling very, very in the middle right now. I have been lying to myself, nonstop, for so long I cannot remember. I am trying to figure out what I really really want. And that is so god damn hard. It is absolutely impossible for me to please everyone. Even if I do nothing, that will be a choice, and it will hurt a good number of people.

So I have no choice but to assert myself, and bring about a situation that is best for me. I will try to step on as little toes as possible. But there will be trouble. I don't want it, but it's going to happen anyway.

I really did love her. I loved her so much that I gave her everything I was, everything I had. I gave her parts of me that I didn't even technically have. I broke myself upon her. And in doing that, it fell apart. But it cannot be said I didn't love her. And of course, I'll never shake from that love as long as I live. I don't mind that, either.

I really don't like talking via websites, I'd prefer email. I have a bad habit of not checking anything but my mail for as long as a week, please keep that in mind.

I'm sorry to everyone, truly anyone I've hurt. And I'm sorry for the pain I'm going to further cause. But I won't lie to myself anymore, nor anyone else. I'm going to be me, and I'm going to get what I want, because all I want is peace, and the truth.

Date:	2009-05-23 18:50
Subject:	Happy Glowy!
Security:	Public
Mood:	enthralled

I nearly lost my cat, Kali. I convinced myself, incorrectly, that she had a sickness that I couln't help her with.

But today I took her to the vet, and she is going to be ok. So I post this gorgeous video, in celebration. I love you, Kali-face.

Date:	2009-05-06 12:26
Subject:	I Love You, Everiah
Security:	Public
Mood:	exhausted

Everiah lost the baby. Things are perfectly tumultuous right now, and I do not have the heart, time or energy to call everyone and tell the same damn story.

I'll be unavailable until Monday at best.

Date:	2009-03-30 02:51
Subject:	Once Again, It's Profound Internet Video Time!
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful

http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=rdqk7dhj36

Beggars stole my idea for a perfect society!! Well, as perfect as it's gonna get..

-- Ideas Within 'Symbia' That Well Summerise The Concepts Shown Above --

- A deep sense of community with the world at large, eg watching the same entertainment in the US as you would in Zambia, and vice verca. ie a 'worldwide community'.

- Machines and computers that run the world and run themselves, ie the perella [a self constructed, programmed and maintained 'computer'], the lock [a massive museum containing research and learning material, located within most major cities, houses a massive perella connected to every other in every other lock] and the Ayars [a perfected imagining of the internet, with flawless inter-connectivity, speed and reliability, housing ALL known knowledge AND a software network capable of interpreting it].

- A currency-less economy, a resource based economy, ie the ard. The ard being a measurement of energy, energy being the currency of the Symbian world; energy being an embodiment of wealth, power and potential, and therefor the perfect currency in a civilized world.

Man all of this buzzing in my head, I'll never get to sleep. Well, I'll have to try.

- IA

Date:	2009-03-09 17:54
Subject:	Blip is upgraded to Beb
Security:	Public
Mood:	ecstatic

( Ladies and gents, my Beb. )

Date:	2009-02-24 23:26
Subject:	Not A Holiday Meme
Security:	Public
Mood:	thoughtful

We don't need:
- A day in February to tell our loved ones how we feel about them.
I love you, Ever, more than anything. I know we've been a little rough lately. But I know that we are forever; we will be scwabbling over things in a nursing home one day.
- A day in April to celebrate life, death and rebirth.
I miss my family dearly, as much as they haven't passed. I do miss Ever's grandfather. He was a silent, proud man, with a laughing heart. As for birth, well, Indy Jr is well on the way =p
- A day in May to remember those who died in support of our country.
Whatever day exists in May, I stand by the troops of any country; Australia, Canada, and even America. It's a fucking hard job. It's just those that lead the armies that I take issue with.
- A day in July to celebrate our country's freedoms.
I am truly happy to have the freedoms I have. My favourite: freedom of sexuality. Sure, I might get weird looks, but I'm free to be the bi poly weirdo that I am, and to search for those who don't mind the idea.
- A day in October enjoy deviance and spooky things.
Favourite spooky movie is now definitely Donnie Darko.
- And we don't need a day in November to be able to give thanks for all that we have.
I want to give thanks for my job, but only for the money it provides. For the friends I have, I don't have many but they are all priceless. And I give thanks for the wonderful home I live in.

There. Now I feel all fuzzy.

Date:	2009-02-23 02:25
Subject:	Tired
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired

I am sick to death of my life. These passing weeks have served only to spark change in me and my feelings about the world I have brought about myself.

I am sick of jerking off more than I have sex.

I am sick of leaving the chores undone until the apartment smells of dead food, cat shit and dirty laundry.

I am entirely sick of being flirted with by cute girls at work and feeling nothing but abject fear.

I am sick of wanting to try something new in the bedroom and being too scared to do anything at all.

I am sick of being simultaneously bored, terrified and hateful of my job.

I am sick of all of my friends saying the exact same fucking thing, "I never see you."

I am sick of warcraft, and gaming in general.

I am offically sick of /b/. Sick of glancing over LJ to see the same thing, people living their lives and wishing I had one myself to live.

More than anything, more than the entirety combined, more than its history in addition, I am completely and utterly tired of NOT KNOWING WHAT TO FUCKING DO ABOUT IT ALL.

I am going to bed.

Date:	2009-02-08 02:55
Subject:	Actual Post
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy

Previous post is not to be ignored. But now I am going to post.. y'know.. my happenings.

Lessee. Big news; at work I was offered a promotion!! I was given the keys to the Escalation Desk. If someone demands a manager, that's them, and it would be me. I declined though. Escalations are the hardest damn things to deal with, so I didn't feel up to taking the offer. But! That offer signals the official observance of a new fact; I am now promotable, as before I was not. Which means, if any other promotions come up I'm in the minds and hearts of management. AWESOME.

Moving on, the chick I posted about before turned out to be.. strange. Clingy. Inappropriate. And clingy. And rather creepy. So I don't think I'll be getting on that ride. Oh well.

Woah, 3am. I lost track of time messing with my new Syms.

GTA4 still runs like shit.

Buses are back and I cannot bring myself to care. I am considering walking on Monday. I need the exercise. The snow is melting, the pathways are clear, why not? Tomorrow I might shop for some nice walking shoes. At the least I am buying some damn new pants, my current ones are near death.

Meh, time for bed. - IA

PS Many many thanks to Volfy, who ensured my attendance that made me the employee I am today.

Date:	2009-02-08 02:47
Subject:	Snapshot of my latest work
Security:	Public
Mood:	creative

( Rēd qis Cæd )

Date:	2009-02-02 11:19
Subject:	A Gaming Renaissance
Security:	Public
Mood:	energetic

Well for now WoW has lost me.

Why? Is it the drama? The repetitive gameplay? The retarded instances? The impossibility of finding a group?

No!

It's GRAND THEFT AUTO VI FOR PC MOFUCKERS.

Bought it when I finally managed to bring my FutureShop giftcard in and buy something. There it was, just callin my name.

Installation was a bitch, two DVDs, an online reg that was picky as hell and unhelpful. And then came the crashes. The game is buggy as all hell. I had to UPDATE WINDOWS TO PLAY IT. I mean CMON. What the fuck. But I finally eased out the bugs, found a patch [but only for the looking] and got it to work. Now it only crashes when I try to change video settings. Oh, it also crashes when I close the game. Every single time I quit the game it crashes. Classy.

Basically it runs like a rip. In fact, besides the games that just don't run at all, I don't remember playing a hacked game that ran this badly. And I paid $50 for this.

Very classy.

My last complain is the login thingy. I need to login to two different systems/communities. I think. I'm really not sure. The login system is Windows Live, or something, and it has Microsoft all over it. Superfluous, tacky, buggy, and confusing. I managed to figure out how to 'login' to a 'offline profile' and make it automatically do that from now on. All of this to run around and kill shit in gratuitious carnage, by myself. Must EVERYTHING be communal now? Can't I just play with my computer and leave the net behind for once? No?

Still, it's working at an acceptable level. It's proving that my CPU is a real bottleneck. How much for an up to date CPU these days? Meh, it runs. And as long as it does, I have a new obsession! A new timesink and daydream point.

Sorry Volfy, for now, WoW is going to have to wait. I love this game series just too damn much.

Oh yes, Purrliament was actually quite a bit of fun. Small furr con on Saturday at the local uni. Met new folks, caught up with some old friends. It quite frankly went off without a hitch. I didn't day or do a single awkward thing! And I deeply look forward to the next meet/con/whatever.


Now I'm off to work. I have a new month to try and gain perfect attendance at work. Wish me luck!

- IA

Date:	2009-01-30 00:53
Subject:	OH FFS YES
Security:	Public
Mood:	relieved

http://www.isthebusstrikeoveryet.com/

JESUS CHRIST

Only, my route to work will be down for weeks to come. Hoo fucking ray.

Date:	2009-01-29 01:19
Subject:	A true LJ post
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused

This LJ is pretty damn private. Not many fools no of it, and anyone who does, I know really well and trust. The few random people who read this but I have never met, are cool, and don't know me well enough to ruin my life if I say too much on here.

So for once, I feel like just kicking back and posting my day.

Today I got driven in by this new dude who I don't even know the name of, and he is cool. He starts work an hour before I do though, so I have an hour to kill. Today I got bored enough to load up ms paint and begin create better looking styles for my Symbian characters. I'll post em later.

Half way through the day this chick, who I vaguely know, decided she was too sick to work, and sat next to me and hung out instead. We got to talking and she is A into the idea of poly and B into me. So that was cool. We decided to hang out and that she would drive me home. Cool guy who drove me to work said 'awesome I'm going home then' and did so. Then awesome chick [known from here on out as M] realised she locked her keys in her car. So, I fall back on the one person I know who can help, VOLFY! He drags himself out of fucking bed and drives over to get me. Only we hang, and get Macca's. And we try to break into her car. And M and I made out while Volfy was messing with the car and stuff.

Then Volfy drove me home and went home to sleep.

What a damn night. I'm going to bed.

-IA

EDIT PS
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=rhsEa1NuPuQ
LOL

( Symbia - Excerpt )

Date:	2009-01-24 15:50
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	nostalgic

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=66i8kLiNvhI

I've been to cities that never close down,
from New York to Rio and old London town,
but no matter how far or how wide I roam,
I still call Australia home.

I'm always travelIing, I love being free,
and so I keep leaving the sun and the sea,
but my heart lies waiting over the phone,
I still call Australia home.

All the sons and daughters spinning 'round the world,
away from their family and friends,
but as the world gets older and colder,
it's good to know where your journey ends.
Someday we'll all be together once more,
when all of the ships come back to the shore,
I’ll realise something I've always known,
I still call Australia home.

but no matter how far or wide I roam,
I still call Australia I still call Australia, I still call Australia home.
but no matter how far or wide I roam,





I still call Australia home.

Date:	2009-01-23 23:05
Subject:	OCFailso Hard
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated

http://www.isthebusstrikeoveryet.com/

Refresh the page for a laugh.

FFS THIS ENTIRE THIS IS FUCKING STARK RAVING BLOODY STUPID

Also, Willow and I are officially over.

Super sad face =[

Date:	2009-01-06 23:27
Subject:	Meme Stolen from tin_foil_hat
Security:	Public
Mood:	giddy

To be honest, I know I should post something meaningful and emotional. But all I can do is blurt it out with a sigh of relief, do a stupid meme and go to bed.

Ever is pregnant, I'm going to be a dad. And it's about time.

Now the the meme o stupid

( Oooohr. A link. Joor clickit? )